HIBERNATION. M-M-M-M, GOOD.

It's near the end of January and I'm deep in hibernation which is exactly where I want to be. I no longer dread the dreary dull days of winter. I savor the " nothing to do" moments like rich dark chocolate. On these days when the darkness leaves late and arrives early, I breathe more deeply as I log many hours in front of our woodstove, wrapped in a blanket, scribbling in a notebook. It seems natural to take stock of the present by reflecting the past and pondering the future.

WHERE I'VE BEEN: On this day in 1986 the space shuttle Challenger blew up. On this day, also in 1986, my marriage blew up when my husband of 18 years called from work to tell me he was in love with another woman. He quickly added that he was still very much in love with me. That was helpful, but confusing. Sigh. What to do?

Well, the other woman had to go, and she did. We sought the advice of a marriage counselor to sort out our differences and restructure a new relationship that nurtures and nourishes both of us in ways we could never do before. Yes, it was a lot of hard work and required a strong committment to our growth both as individuals and as a couple. But we did it. It can be done.

WHERE I AM: This year we will celebrate forty years together. We're starting to plan how we want to mark this event.

For our thirtieth anniversary we went on a silent Buddhist retreat for an entire week. We stayed in separate dorms (as did everyone, it was that kind of retreat) our only contact being visual (which was discouraged so that we could cultivate that precious space of observing to our own crazy mind) and the experience of sitting next to each other during meditation sessions. We discovered a soft cloud of intimacy we had never before experienced. The clarity of mind gained by the slowing down and quieting of our bodies gave us insights that carry us forward even now.

This year we will attend three days of teaching by a Tibetan Buddhist monk in a remote mountain retreat center where we offer many hours of volunteer work. It will not be in silence. We will most likely work our butts off. But we hope to come away with some deeper understanding of what it takes to build a more peaceful world.

Don't worry, we will tack on a few days of play time after the event. Maybe find a secluded B&B on the north coast, hike, watch waves come and go as hawks soar and the wind carresses the summer grass.

WHERE TO FROM HERE: This is the year I am coming out as a writer. I am writing a novel. It scares me to say that. Scares me A LOT. I'm relatively new to fiction. (AH, but Patresa, you must not forget that you wrote a short story when you were sixteen. It was good enough to be published in the school newspaper. Remember? SHIT, how could I forget. I was so shocked and.... horrified.... that I ran home and hid in my room where my friends couldn't find me. I hid out all through winter break hoping they would forget about it by the time we went back to school in January. They did. I didn't even show my parents. I promised myself I would never take another writing class. I tucked my story in the bottom of a drawer, locked my inner writer away deep inside and told her not to freak me out anymore. But I have never forgotten the feeling of having a story flow down my arm and take off on a life of its own. It was a defining moment I could not deal with at the time. I hope I am ready now.)

Well, that was my muse butting in. I mean that playfully. Really!

I've no idea how to punctuate all that so I'm just going to leave it as is.

Okay, I've managed another post. I'm going to get the hang of this eventually. OH, the picture of the girl on the horse.... that is a favorite picture of mine. I keep it on the wall over my desk where it can speak to my heart. I decided long ago that it would be the first picture to go on my blog but only now have managed to figure out how to get it there.

ENJOY!